In Death, a Message
by Regularamanda
Summary: Jack learns what happened to her...and she left him a message. Spoilers for Atlantis Season 4 episode "Search and Rescue". Angst. AU. Sam and Jack established. Written for Ship day 2009


_Author's Note- Part of this was sitting on my laptop since June. It was inspired by a sig that Oma on GW made and I knew I had to write about it. So I decided to polish it up and make it for Ship Day 2009 on GW. Spoilers for Stargate Atlantis Season 4 ender "Search and Rescue". It's also very angsty and is an AU. How AU Jack deals with the events of 'Search and Rescue' that hologram Mckay said happened. Enjoy!_

**In Death, a Message**

General Jack O'Neill heard the familiar sound of tires on gravel and uncertainty filled him. She wasn't due home for a couple of months…and who would be coming to his house at 0800?

Jack pulled the curtain back from the window and when he saw the black sedan and the two Air Force officers step out, his heart shattered on the floor. And he knew.

She was dead.

He opened the door and he recognized the officers from the SGC. They took off their service caps. "General O'Neill…" The shorter man said as he handed the letter to Jack.

"She's…" Jack started to say.

"Yes sir. You have our condolences." The other man said sympathetically.

"Do you need anyone General?"

"No." Jack said his voice cracking. He cleared his throat. "No…I don't need anyone." Jack said a little bit more strong this time.

They both looked at him sadly before getting back into the car, leaving Jack standing there with the door open.

A few seconds passed before he pulled the door closed and went to sit on his couch. Pulling the letter out it read

_To whom it may concern: We regret to inform you that Colonel Samantha Carter sacrificed her life bravely in the call of duty…_

Jack stopped reading and his thoughts were a million miles away. A thousand different emotions flashed through him all at once. Anger, regret, love, hurt, confusion and through that the one emotion that clearly stood out was the crushing pain. The pain that made it seem like he had just been shot with a staff weapon hundreds of times.

He'd always known in the back of his mind, that one day their luck would run out. But oh God he always wanted it to be him that lost his life never ever her. He would gladly take her place, willingly trade places with her. Willingly die hundreds of times if it meant she would live.

That confession from so many years ago ran through his mind. That he would rather die than lose her, would rather get tortured by Ba'al thousands of times as long as she was okay.

And he wondered how he was supposed to go on without her? How was he supposed to wake up every day knowing that he wouldn't see her smiling face, wouldn't hear her laugh? She wouldn't be here to confuse him with her techno babble. He'd never hear her voice again, would never again kiss her lips, would never again hold her in his arms. How did he _survive_ without _her_?

And he remembered the incident years before when he had to shoot her twice with a zat gun, killing her. Remembered the indescribable lose that he had felt, knowing that he had killed her…knowing that her life had been snuffed out by him.

This time it was worse.

Because now she wasn't his 2IC, now she was the woman that he loved more than anyone in the world. And now her death was final.

There was no do overs, no second chances.

Jack angrily laid the letter down on the table and walked outside and onto his dock, just staring out across the pond. This was the place he came to, to relax. Life was peaceful here in the woods of Minnesota. This place for years had been his refuse.

All it held now was empty memories of a life together that never quite had a chance to start.

Jack remembered the last conversation he had had with her.

_They had walked to the Air Port and they had gotten to the check point where they would have to part ways. She'd been back from Atlantis for two weeks before she had been reassigned to help build a new ship, and now she was already leaving._

_She had turned to him and his eyes had wanted to memorize every part of her, to etch it into his memory for all time. Memorize those eyes, that smile, those lips. He had known he wouldn't see her for months._

_Sam had smiled at him and she had said "I'll be home soon. I'll have Mckay to help me."_

"_Tell him if he gives you a hard time I'll kick his ass."_

"_Oh he knows." She had said with a laugh._

"_Keep your head down…" He had said, stalling for time. Wanting one more minute, one more second with her._

"_I know." She had said as she hugged him._

_His arms had tightened around her and he buried his head in her neck. He held onto her for as long as possible. With a sigh and a quick kiss to her neck, he pulled away. _

_Sam had closed her eyes and let out a breath. "Jack…if something happens…"_

"_It won't." He had said interrupted her quickly._

"_But if it does, in the bottom drawer in the desk, underneath the pictures is a video…if something happens, watch it."_

_Knowing she wasn't going to drop it he had said "Fine…just make sure you come back okay?"_

_She had grinned at him and lightly kissed him on the lips._

_Jack hands had made it's way into her hair and he put everything he had into the kiss. Just in case…just in case it was their last. _

_After a while Jack had pulled back and whispered softly "I love you."_

"_Always?" She had said with a smile_

"_Always."_

"_I love you too…but I have to go."_

_Sam had taken a step forward and her hand slip from his grasp._

_He had watched until she disappeared from his view, taking her heart with him._

With a sigh the broken man, shoulders slumped, slowly made his way back up the cabin. Even after months of her not being here, her presence was still felt. Their picture was in the hallway, her vacation clothes still hung in that closet and her books still lined the shelves. All evidence that she would come back, reminders of her. Except this time they only served to be daggers to his heart.

He slowly walked over to the desk, his eyes not focusing on the pictures.

The pictures of her.

He quickly grabbed the DVD and walked back over to the living room and popped in the dvd.

Her beautiful features came on the screen and he was struck with a new wave of longing.

_Hi Jack_. That Beloved voice said.

Sam looked down at her hands.

_If you're reading this…then I didn't make it. I can't even begin to image what you're going through…well actually I can. I thought I lost you once, when you were trapped on Edora. I was so close to giving up hope. We weren't even sure you were alive._

Sam sighed.

_I know I'm gone. And I know how you'll act. I _know _you. You'll retire and you'll go back to that cabin and you'll bury yourself back in those woods. Away from everyone. You'll close yourself off from the world. _

Jack laughed bitterly. He had every intension of doing just that.

His world didn't mean much without her.

_I don't want you to do that Jack. Please. _And even on a video, her saying that one word could still make him go to Hell and back for her.

_I just want you to live your life. _And she seemed to look straight at him, that pleading in them striking him to the core.

"Alright." He whispered softly, as if she could somehow hear him. And a part of him knew that he would try to live his life, if only for her. Because she wanted him to.

_I don't have any regrets. We had three years. Not nearly enough time. But those years were the best years of my life. I love you._

_Bye Jack._

Jack paused the video, right as she smiled sadly.

He walked over to the TV and his hand touched the screen, touching her face. But that video camera could never do her justice. It couldn't quite capture that sparkle in her eyes or that smile.

Just like his memories.

And he knew after time those memories would fade. He'd forget the sound of her voice, and the sound of her laugh. He'd forget her touch or the feel of her cheek beneath his fingertips. He'd forget how she used to feel in his arms.

But he would never forget how she made him feel.

Because those feelings had been burned into him for years. And nothing, not death nor time, could ever make him forget that.

_Author's Note- Thanks for reading and if you liked it let me know. _


End file.
